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What happens when the Antediluvians start fighting?


TREMERE: "Awright, Haqim! I have HAD it with you! You're gonna die!"

HAQIM: "Says you. Phbbbt!"

TREMERE: "Oh, yeah? Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames! I blow up Asia!"

HAQIM: "Celerity 10. I dodge. I'm now standing in the middle of the ocean."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I boil the oceans."

HAQIM: "Obfuscate 10. What ocean?"

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Movement of the Mind. I hit the remaining ocean with the moon."

LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Obtenebration 9. What moon?"

TREMERE: "Auspex 10. *That* moon."

LASOMBRA: "Tag out!"

HAQIM: "Oh crap. Umm... Quietus 10."

TREMERE: "Here comes the big ball of rock, baby!"

(HAQIM is squished)

BRUJAH: "Didn't Haqim just activate Quietus 10?"

NOSFERATU: "And it was a surprisingly quiet squishing. Stupid discipline."

TREMERE: "Lasombra..."

LASOMBRA: "Tag, um, Tzimisce!"

TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Try that moon trick now, spellboy."

TREMERE: "Tag Ventrue!"

VENTRUE: "Dominate 10. Who's your daddy?"

TZIMISCE: "You're my daddy."

LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Potence 10. Feel the pain!"

VENTRUE: "Fortitude 10! What pain?"

LASOMBRA: "Obtenebration 10! I hope you like small, dark, places."

VENTRUE: "Fuck."

(VENTRUE vanishes)

LASOMBRA: "I have ALWAYS wanted to do that."

TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Lasombra, you're now a small ball of cheese."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "WHY?"

TZIMISCE: "Ventrue still calls the shots. Read Dominate 10."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Damn, he's right."

TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. Horde of cheese-eating mice."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Obtenebration 10. I am a shadow of a small ball of cheese."

TZIMISCE: "Tag Tremere!"

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. Shadow of fondue, you mean."

SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: *fwoosh*

NOSFERATU: "Animalism 10. They're MY horde of mice."

TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. Mine."

NOSFERATU: "Mine!"

TZIMISCE: "Gimme!"

BRUJAH: "Celerity 10 AND Potence 10. I crush Tzimisce and Nosferatu while they're still arguing about the mice."

NOSFERATU: "Urk." [dies]

TZIMISCE: "Urk." [reforms] "Love that Vicissitude 10."

BRUJAH: "Oh, dearie."

TZIMISCE: "Now the mice are MINE!"

(MASKED AVENGER #1 appears from nowhere)

MASKED AVENGER #1: "All of you shall die for consorting with our enemies! Or, in some cases, actually being our enemies."

ENNOIA: "Who the heck are *you*?"

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Oh, sorry. I'm early."

(MASKED AVENGER #1 vanishes)

TZIMISCE: "Not even the first Masked Avenger, whoever he was, can stop me!"

ARIKEL: "Auspex 10. What *can* stop someone with Vicissitude 10? Oh, diablerie."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy something or other. I weaken Arikel a generation."

ARIKEL: "You just made that up!"

TREMERE: "Trust me, you'll like it."

BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I expend a barrage of fisticuffs upon Tzimisce."

TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. I can ignore them."

ENNOIA: "Animalism 10. My mice."

TZIMISCE: "Mine!"

TREMERE: "Quick, Arikel! Diablerize Tzimisce while he's distracted!"

AUGUSTUS: "Necromancy 10, Bone Path! The dead have risen- and they're voting Republican!"

TREMERE: "Don't you guys *ever* stop worrying about temporal power?"

AUGUSTUS: "Umm. No."

MALKAV: "Dementation 10! Everyone goes absolutely crazy!"

(there is a pause)

(the pause lengthens)

BRUJAH: "You feel any different, Ennoia?"

ENNOIA: "Nope. You?"

BRUJAH: "Nope. Tremere?"

TREMERE: "Nope."

AUGUSTUS: "Me neither."

BRUJAH: "Nobody asked you."

MALKAV: "Well, THAT was a non-starter."

TZIMISCE: "Well, I *gurgle*..."

ARIKEL (dropping diablerized corpse of Tzimisce): "*I* sure feel different!"

ENNOIA: "Well, that settles it. My mice."

ARIKEL: "I now have Animalism 10. Mine!"

MALKAV: "CATFIGHT!"

BRUJAH: "Mousefight, actually."

AUGUSTUS: "How droll."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Hands of Destruction. I kill the freakin' mice, already."

ARIKEL: "Waaahhh!"

AUGUSTUS: "Zombie mice!"

ENNOIA: "Bastards."

(MASKED AVENGERS #1, #2, and #3 appear)

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avengers!"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Especially you, Tremere!"

MASKED AVENGER #2: "No, especially *you*, Augustus!"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!"

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!"

ENNOIA: "Who *are* you guys, anyway?"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "It's a secret. That's why we're wearing masks."

BRUJAH: "Speaking of which, why does your mask have three eyeholes?"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "To be distinctive."

BRUJAH: "Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of wearing a mask?"

MASKED AVENGER #1: "You always were a smartass."

BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I punch the first Masked Avenger."

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Ow." [dies]

MASKED AVENGER #2: "We other Masked Avengers are not so easily thwarted! We shall have our revenge! Especially on you, Augustus!"

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!"

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!"

AUGUSTUS: "Can we get rid of these guys?"

TREMERE: "Sure you take care of the guy with the three eyeholes in his mask, and I'll take the guy who says he's my archenemy."

MASKED AVENGER #3: "I, with the three eyes, am your archenemy, Tremere."

TREMERE: "Whatever."

AUGUSTUS: "Potence 10. I crush the guy with the three eyes."

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Fortitude 10. I soak."

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I obliterate Masked Avenger #2."

MASKED AVENGER #2: "Fortitude 10. I soak."

BRUJAH: "Like the guest that won't leave, aren't they?"

AUGUSTUS: "I can handle this. Necromancy 10, Ash Path. I summon the spirits of those who have died tragically."

SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY: "We are here."

AUGUSTUS: "Explain your tragedies to the Masked Avengers."

(The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so)

MASKED AVENGER #3: "Oh, the Angst! I cannot *bear* it!"

(MASKED AVENGER #3 commits suicide)

MASKED AVENGER #2: "How fascinating. I wish to learn more."

AUGUSTUS: "Spirits of those who have died tragically, return to the Shadowlands."

(The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so)

MASKED AVENGER #2: "I must follow them to learn more."

(MASKED AVENGER #2 commits suicide)

ARIKEL: "Well, *that* took forever. But now it's done. Now what?"

TREMERE: "Auspex 10 and Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I incinerate Set in that corner he's been hiding."

(SET turns to ashes)

AUGUSTUS: "Letting everyone else do the fighting and taking out the winners? I am shocked, SHOCKED."

BRUJAH: "Shocked that you didn't think of it first."

AUGUSTUS: "And I *deeply* deplore that."

(MASKED AVENGER #1 appears)

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avenger!"

BRUJAH: "You ever have the feeling of deja vu?"

MASKED AVENGER #1: "Constantly."

ENNOIA: "Enough of this. Protean 10. Welcome to the sun, boys!"

TREMERE: "Hah! Thaumaturgy 10, Invulnerable Weakness!"

(MASKED AVENGER #1 goes *fwoosh*)

(BRUJAH goes *fwoosh*)

(MALKAV goes *fwoosh*)

(ARIKEL goes *fwoosh*)

AUGUSTUS: "Hah! You've played perfectly into my master plan! No, wait."

(AUGUSTUS goes *fwoosh*)

TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I extinguish Ennoia."

(ENNOIA goes *fwoosh*)

TREMERE: "Woo hoo, I won!"

RAVNOS: "Forgot me."

TREMERE: "You? Where the heck have you been?"

RAVNOS: "Keeping a low profile."

TREMERE: "And you didn't burn up in the sun?"

RAVNOS: "Fortitude 10, baby. And I'll thank you not to kill off my mice."

TREMERE: "PREPARE TO DIE!"

RAVNOS: "Not so fast! Chimeristry 10!"

TREMERE: "Chimeristry 10? You mean..."

RAVNOS: "Yup. Reality. I'll turn us all into a roleplaying game."

TREMERE: "You wouldn't!"

RAVNOS: "I just did."

TREMERE: "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

(RAVNOS, TREMERE, and the corpses of the other antediluvians are replaced by a series of hardback and paperback game supplements)

THE END

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